Sex, the most compelling, necessary and desirous activity in all of life, is a beautiful expression of love and affection, the desire to merge with another utterly, an experience of passion, bliss, intimate trust and fulfillment. When our sexuality is complete, replete and nourishing, we experience a level of Nirvana and radiant well being. This certainly is its intended ideal.
At it’s noblest, it is an entire physical/mental/emotional/spiritual art and skill that when surrendered to inside a conscious, elevated purpose and intention, leads the couple to more and more exalted states of consciousness, soul embodiment and oneness. For centuries it has been used as a path to Enlightenment and still can be right from within your own home.
But often for those of us with busy daily lives, doing far more than our natures ever were built for, and/or for those who are trying to get pregnant and are running into challenges, we engage with each other often while we’re tired or on the clock. Many couples do take the time to be together and for those who don’t, we conform our loving to a limited time and focus, not giving it the attention it deserves, let alone the honor we deserve. We are about as far away from Realization as we can get, and not even near a feeling of closeness.
Life will always rush in with more to do, but to keep this critical center alive in your marriage has to be set up as a non-negotiable necessity. This isn’t for purposes of enlightenment so much as it is simply for your surviving and thriving. You need it as much as you need food, water and sleep. And you’ll need it thirty years into your marriage.
So often I hear married people say, “If you want to stop having sex, get married”. Don’t become that sad and empty statistic. In ninety percent of the cases where this fact is present, one or both are reaching outside of the marriage to fulfill their need for sex and intimacy. They may stay married, but a gnawing dissatisfaction constantly exists between and in them.
So how do we find that place that is nourishing and exciting while juggling everything in our lives, and keeping the loving alive over a long time?
By setting each other up as a priority, keeping that secure in a few vital ways, and building up our knowledge of and skill with each other, one encounter at a time.
So what are the vital things to do?
1) Keep your lines of communication open. Even when it’s trying and difficult and looks hopeless, anything can be worked out, unless of course there are certifiable medical reasons for it not—like a serious mental condition, or dangerous violence. For most of us, it’s a matter of our egos getting puffed up and throwing up resistance. If you really run into serious blockages, see a good therapist.
2 ) Learn everything you can about each other sexually.
We think we know and understand each other, but to our shock and surprise we don’t. And more often than not, women are especially shy and reluctant to teach their man about themselves, just as more often than not, a man feels he should already know everything about her, and is embarrassed to be shown.
Take a class together in Tantric Sex with a Certified, reputable teacher. Do it before you have children, if at all possible—just because you’ll have less interruption while learning. Taking a couple’s workshop will not only open your eyes and grant you unlimited loving potential together, it will save the both of you any embarrassment or discomfort in learning about each other, and prevent any more loss of precious time that could have been spent in bliss.
3) Keep your respect, consideration and laughter alive and robust. Respect, kindness and laughter are potent aphrodisiacs. Be and do everything you can every single day to fuel these qualities in your relationship. When you do, not only will it become your way of life, you won’t ever want to live without them.
4 ) Keep that date night or day date going.
Don’t let work, to-do’s or any other distraction, unless of course it’s an emergency, steal away your date time. It’s as much an essential appointment with yourself as is sleep, food and water. What you give and invest now will build, one kiss at a time, a powerful bridge across time into forever. You both need and deserve that. So does your marriage. You were created—together—for it.
In honor of your loving I give you this poem by Hafiz:
Leave the familiar for a while.
Let your senses and bodies stretch out
Like a welcomed season
Onto the meadows and shores and hills.
Open up to the Roof.
Make a new water-mark on your excitement
Like a blooming night flower,
Bestow your vital fragrance of happiness
Upon our intimate assembly.
Change rooms in your mind for a day.
All the hemispheres in existence
Lie beside an equator
In your heart.
In your thousand other forms
As you mount the hidden tide and travel